"Why Pascal isn't my favorite Programming Language".

No wait, what the hell? That can't be right. I think we meant

"Why C isn't my favorite programming language".

If you are sensitive to the words "F", or "shi'", then this article is not for you! Viewer discretion is advised. Also, if you are in any way related to Ritchie or Brian K. you will have to leave this page right now. We wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. C is pretty simple and cool for its time, I actually like some things about it. Now let's get critical and serious.

  void hello();

If it's void, then what the flipping french toast is the point of putting it there? Aren't void things useless? Last time I cashed a void check, it didn't make me rich.

Not quite. Void is the result of a function. A non existant result.. that doesn't actually become a result, hence why it is a result that is there. Huh?

Gee, couldn't we have just set this straight in the first place, so we wouldn't have been asking "what the fuck is this C shit?" ....

  function hello: void;

  procedure hello();

  fun hello();

  fun hello(): void;

  procedure hello;

  fnc hello: void;

  prc hello();

  prc hello;

  proc hello;

But, no, instead of designing a reasonable language with syntax that makes sense, we had to design C in a way that made programmers say aloud "what the fuck is this atrocious piece of sh't you call code?"

[Update 2016: GoLang solves a lot of these problems]

  int main(int argc, char *argv[])

Instead of calling your functions functions, maybe we now call them Cee Fucktions.

What do functions and and integers have in common? Nothing. Why declare a function as an integer, if it is a function? Because it's a fucktion. That is your answer.

Barney actually tells me that "int" does not stand for integer. He says it stands for "international". I started screaming and yelling at Barney because I knew that int didn't stand for international - it stood for "internal".

C is an effed up language - they use verbose words like ELSE and TYPEDEF, but not words like PROCEDURE and FUNCTION. You'd think, since C is such an atrocious piece of poo, that they'd choose something at least REASONABLE like the symbols "*$#" in place of the word else! Why use the word ELSE when you could use the symbols *$#

ELSE is so verbose - we just CAN'T have that english word in our C language! But they included it anyway - maybe just to have a good f'ck with our mind. Clever guys! And TYPEDEF? The word "TYPE" is too terse for Cee. Rather, we must use more verbose keywords like THISONEHEREISATYPEDEFINITION. Makes plenty of sense. I'm surprised they didn't shorten it to THETYPEDEF instead of the longer "TYPEDEF".

First of all, please explain to me what a snowflake has to do with a pointer?

Hey Barney, does a pointer look like a pointer to you, or a snowflake? The asterisk, "looks like a snow flake to me", says Barney...

Let's examine another piece of atrocious shit and see what we can F off with.

  *s

 s^

 int num;
 int n;

var
 num: integer;
 n: integer;

 int num;
 int n;
 int bumbum;

Let's throw some annoying TABS into the code too, just to make it harder to read and add useless whitespace into our declaration.. because that HELPS people.

 int                  num;
 int                  n;
 int                  bumbum;

Although I completely destroy my LCD monitor while penciling in the lines in the "virtual C spreadsheet" so I can read the code, it is so much more readable and the cost of LCD monitors is nothing compared to the time C saves me in coding. Time is money. C saves the day.

• It's easier to do advanced graphics rendering in C than it is to use strings.

• Appending and concatenating strings (i.e. working with text) is a complete waste of your time and no one uses this every day in programming.

• String types (and heck even boolean types) are useless. No one uses true or false or text in programs. Come on, be realistic - when was the last time you had to combine two strings together! Never! Never in my entire programming career.

First you have to include stdio.h
Then you have to include string.h
Then you have to include stdlib.h

Finally, now that we've included all those atrocious include files, let's concatenate 
some strings. Or maybe we should just forget about it, because real programmers 
don't use strings or deal with text daily, according to the C language.

int main() {
  char *str1 = "Hello ";
  char *str2 = "World";
  char *str3;

  str3 = (char *)malloc((strlen(str1) + strlen(str2) + 1)
                         *sizeof(char));
/*  str3 = (char *)calloc(strlen(str1) + strlen(str2) + 1, 
                          sizeof(char)); */

  strcpy(str3, str1);
  strcat(str3, str2);
  
  printf("str3: %s\n", str3);

  free(str3);

  return 0;
}

S = 'something1' + 'something2';

"I'm still uncertain about the language declaration syntax, where in declarations, syntax is used that mimics the use of the variables being declared. It is one of the things that draws strong criticism" --Dennis Ritchie

Well good boy, he deserves a cookie (chocolate chip).

[Update 2016: This article was written long ago in the early 2000's. GoLang solves most of the problems addressed]

and..
They-C-Programmers-Finally-Got-A-Clue