A r t i c l e s

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M a i n P a g e

D i r e c t o r y

Real Programmers

Real programmers
 -have source code that is at least 40 times neater than their cables, cords, 
  computer room, closet, and parts bin.

 -have at least 50 post-it notes as hard backups, and at least 40 binders with 
  useless throwaway scrap notes in them.

 -never drink coffee. 

 -spend money on one coffee tin that lasts 5-6 years instead of 1 week.

 -keep a bin of coffee open just to smell.

 -eat multi-vitamins, seeds, and peanut butter instead of cooking real meals. 

 -die of starvation if allergic to all of the above

 -order 50KG bins of whey powder or eat vegetarian instead of wasting time and money 
  farming, refridgerating, worrying about, and eating meat

 -never have time to go to stores. Have gardens, trees, fruit plants, and bulk orders 
  on hand. 

 -never have a ratio of more Palm PC's than desktops. 
  Real programmers use real computers. 

 -never have a ratio of more phones than computers 
  Real programmers use real communication.

 -never have a single story desk. 
  Real programmers make use of desk space.

 -run the smallest fonts possible in their editors. 
  Real programmers make use of screen space.

 -make working source code first, then optimize later

 -sometimes use assembly, after optimizing real code first.

 -never read articles or books by Brian Kernighan, Ritchie, or anyone that worked for
  a phone company. Because real programmers don't program phones.

 -never play games on their cell phones.

 -never own cell phones. All programmers are at the computer with email and possibly 
  IM  24/h per day. There is no need for cell phones.

 -never program in C,  unless when working on existing operating systems or held at
  gun point.

 -connect to the internet through their command line when their window system is 
  down. Real programmers never use Dos, since it has no built in networking.

 -use databases, tables, and real data feeds instead of XML

 -improve upon standards instead of paying attention to them or criticizing them.

 -never program in languages named after coffee, since real programmers don't drink

 -leave all sides and covers of the computer off so parts are easy to see and fix.
  Dust isn't a problem, since circuit boards only last a few years and dust finds 
  it's way in anyway.

 -paint all the white and metal computer case parts black so the computer looks good  
  at any time, at any angle.  

 -never use furnaces. Use computers to heat the room in cold climates. 

 -never play video games. Once a year is pushing it.

 -have everything black where possible. Including pens, monitors, keyboards, 

 -use dark backgrounds in their text editors

 -set their screen and websites to be as dark but enjoyable looking as possible so 
  they can stay up for 22 hours without any eye strain. Only wimps like Borland, 
  Google, and Microsoft use bright white backgrounds. 

 -use interpreted languages only when justified, such as command line or batch files
  Only wimps spend time optimizing Java code which will never match unoptomized 
  real code. Real programmers embed all sorts of interpreters into compiled 
  programs anyway, such as a yes or no question which is interpreting yes or no.

 -prefer fast compilers that pump out programs faster than interpreted languages 
  interpret code.

 -use and heavily rely on real tools wherever possible

 -never use notepad, Emacs, Xemacs, Vi or Vim.

 -treat each program like a library instead of an executable

 -use CGI so that all their code from 350 years ago is portable to the internet.

 -integrate command lines and GUI's together. Only wimps use pure command line or
  pure GUI. 

 -buy everything in bulk

 -ignore any programmers who work for a corporation 

 -never use buzzwords

 -hate web browser based applications

 -prefer thin clients, fat clients, and TCP/IP enabled software instead.

 -never wear a suit or a tie. Point and stare vigorously at anyone in them.

 -pick languages that require less shift key strokes, and program during sleeping 
  when their fingers are sore.

 -have no time for showers. Whipe with a sponge daily and change clothes frequently,
  letting machinery like washers do all the work instead.

 -keep and cut their own hair, and wash their hair in sinks or custom
  made head stalls. Keep hair thin and long or short.

 -have prickly facial hair often. Real men don't have time to clean up for women.

 -never get hired by a corporation, unless starving to the bone and ready to die.

 -never pay an educational institution a dime

 -never get married, unless to a pillow, computer, bed, or plant. 

 -never use glass or any other high maintenence furniture.

 -never watch or own a TV, have cable, satellite or any other useless one way feeds.

 -never listen to radio stations with advertising on them

 -immediately leave websites with banner ads 

 -never visit websites with graphics. Rare Exceptions apply some cases, 
  such as screenshot demonstrations or the odd PNG logo.

 -prefer font and text beauty instead of images

 -have so many desktops and servers that 2 fire extinguishers or sprinklers are 
  necessary just incase.

 -back up their source code in several snippets on newsgroups, mailing lists, FTP 

 -have their source code on all sorts of other people's computers, so ultimately 
  have no need for intentional backups.

 -have chairs with extra thick padding for long 22 hour sessions, and use kneeling
  pads when they get sore of sitting, instead of taking a walk.

 -never take breaks or go for walks. Use keyboards while standing, kneeling, and 
  stretching instead of wasting valuable time.

 -Never need coffee breaks since eating the next 4.5KG pail of whey powder, peanut 
  butter, or prepared bulk snack is just as refreshing.

 -avoid programming during business hours, even if they run a business. Real 
  programmers don't have time for distractions, phone calls, sales, or visitors.

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